Ever changing

I don't forget that I have this blog. As a matter of fact, I remember it everytime I'm on facebook and I think to myself... "I need to blog" but yet here I am and it's been so long since my last entry. My new job is going well and I've been there a little over a month now. I am already training others. Don't know if that's truly the safe thing for me to be doing but I guess someone must have faith in me. Joey and the girls are doing really well and Annabelle will start Kindergarten in 1 week!! I can't believe it really. So many emotions I feel about that but I can't pin point not one. She is going to do great and I know she will love it. I just don't have babies anymore. Joey was able to arrange his work schedule so he is picking her up at 3 everyday and staying home with her until I get off then he goes back in to work about 3 days out of the week until about 9 pm. We started that schedule this week and I'm not sure I'm liking it much but it has to be done. It will save us money by not having to pay for afterschool care anyway. Today is my best friend Amanda's birthday! We have been friends since the 9th grade. She lives in LA so I don't see her often and I sure do miss her. I find myself missing all of my friends. All of my close friends live a good distance from me so me having "girl time" is pretty much non existent. Church is going really good. I say that because.... well I must be perfectly honest, I was a little worried when I heard that the pastor search committee had voted in a 70 year old pastor. I new him, I had heard him preach before, I liked him... but I had my doubts about him being a good "fit" for our church and our church's needs at this time. I wanted someone that could attract a younger crowd. We needed younger families in our church. I wanted someone that could keep me captivated and draw the crowds. In other words, I was playing God. Lord forgive me. Joey was on the committee and he tried to reassure me that God had led them in this direction and that it was meant to be. I just wasn't so sure. It's been a little over 3 months now since Wallace joined us and I love him. I haven't gotten to really sit and talk with him much but I love him. I see his sincerity, his love for Christ, his love for his calling, and our church. His messages keep me focused and I feel a constant move towards the calling of Christ for our church body. In just these few months, we have had new members join and when I look out at our church body I can see new faces and growth. God has really made me realize that what I want isn't necessarily what is needed and what I doubt, He believes. I am excited to see where our church goes in the next months and years! I see that excitement in everyone's eyes now and it's truly a joy.

Wow!

It sure has been a while since I posted but not too much has been going on since last time. Annabelle is still doing fine although she still has the knots in her neck. She will start kindergarten in August and this makes me very nervous. She is excited though. Savanah is just getting bigger everyday and before I know it, she will be in school too. I did get a new job! I will start work with Baker Hughes on July 12th. It is a full time job with great benefits so that is really a huge relief. Oh yeah... I also signed up to be an organ donor!! I heard the story about heather donating her organs and how she had saved 3 peoples lives and after much thought, I decided I would also be a donor. It's exciting to think of the lives I may impact even when I'm not around anymore. That's what life is about.... changing lives so shouldn't death be about the same? Our new pastor started on June 1st and he has been doing a great job. I really enjoy his sermons and he is a very nice man. I look forward to our family building a relationship with him. Some may not know this about me, but I love to read the news and keep up with what is going on in our world. I read the news a few times a day and I also read the comments others leave about certain stories and events. I don't know why I read these because it really just depresses me. It breaks my heart to see the level of hate, greed, and anger in the world. The words that come from people's tongues are so full of hurt. People simply do not know the impact of words anymore. We say things without thinking, without concern of who we may hurt, with total lack of compassion and it pains me to see how we treat others. We revel in others tragedy, we laugh when others cry, we covet what we cannot have and scoff at those who have little. I may not be the poster child for love, but I pray that others see a different me. I pray that when I speak, I speak kindly. I pray that when others cry, I cry for them. I pray that my actions show compassion. I want to be different. God has changed me and I never want to be the same.

What's going on

Wow, it's been a few days hasn't it. Well we got Annabelle's test results back and everything came back normal this time. The doctor doesn't feel we need to do anymore tests. Thank goodness!! That was a big relief for me.

I got a part time job working at a bank here in Hallsville and I love it! Too bad it's just not paying the bills. Plans were to go back to school and live off of loan money for the summer until I could get in classes full time. That's not going to work either. Appearently you can't get loan money for summer classes. ( not the amount we would need anyway)

With that being said, we are WAY behind on our bills and there just isn't any money to pay them. There is a good chance in about 2 months we could lose our house. Not good. We are scrambling trying to find something to do but nothing has come to us just yet. I have still been applying for full time jobs and calling to check up on some I already applied for. Nothing working out with that either. We have applied for assistance with our house loan but that could take up to another month IF we even qualify for anything. We traded in the van for a car that will save us about 120.00 a month so that is good but those savings will be just enough to afford the necessities.

The job is still open at my old place of employment because the lady they had hired backed out.... part of me wants to ask for the job back, but the majority of me knows it would be a mistake. So confused. I don't know what to do or what steps to take next. I am a "fixer" and I want so badly to just "fix" this. I feel so lost. I pray everyday for patience and that God's hands would work in this situation but time is running short. I try not to doubt but I can't help to have thoughts that perhaps this is God's way of saying "Wendy you made a mistake and you have to handle the consequences of that" It's hard to feel that I made a mistake leaving my job because I have so much more peace in my heart now even with the financial issues we face. But perhaps life isn't about me feeling peace or less stressed, maybe it's about sucking it up and doing what has to be done even if it means my being uncomfortable.

Lord, I need to know things are going to be okay. Can you help me please to know that things will be okay? I need an open window, a door, something to allow us to keep our heads above water. I know you haven't left us, I know you are here. Please let me feel your presense. I need a Jesus hug. I love you.

Waiting

Went today for Annabelle's second round of lab tests. I am hoping we hear something by in the morning. Keeping my fingers crossed everything comes back normal.... we shall see.

Been a while

There hasn't been too many things happen in the past week really. Annabelle finished her antibiotics Saturday and has another lab appt on Wednesday so we can see about those LDH levels. I started my job at the bank last Monday and I really like it. I love going to a job that is pretty laid back and SO much less stress. The plan was to work there part time and start summer classes in June for OT. We would take out a little extra in loans to make it through the summer. Well.... found out that I probably won't even get any loans for the summer due to some government regulations on summer courses. So.... I don't know what we are going to do. It's all very frustrating. I can't take the class I wanted to take if I don't even get the loan money to pay for the class much less getting anything extra to pay some bills. I have applied for a couple more full time jobs and still haven't heard a thing from anyone. I'm just so confused.

"I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, you are who you are no matter where I am. Every tear I cry you hold in your hands. You never left my side and though my heart is torn... I will praise you in this storm"

A Warrior World

Lots to tell so I will try to make this as short as possible.

1st order of business: Annabelle

She is doing well with her antibiotics but the knots in her neck are still there. She never really skipped a beat though. Just flowing right along as usual. We should be able to call at the end of this week and set up an appt. for her to get more labs done.

2nd order of business: I GOT A JOB!!

I have decided that I am going to go back to school but I most certainly cannot be without a job while doing this. I decided I would get a part time job working working about 30 hours per week so I can at least have some money coming in to help us. I knew something had to be done and be done quickly so last Friday I decided I would just go up to the bank here in Hallsville and see if they were hiring. Walked in when they opened the doors 1st thing that morning and immediately got to see the manager. I gave him my resume and told him my situation. He said they were looking for someone full time and part time as a teller. He wanted me to fill out an application and also speak with the head teller. So... did all that and things went really well. She said that the manager would probably call me later that day after they talked. I got a call about 11:45 and he was offering me the part time position!! I start Monday morning and I'm so happy that part of my plans are coming together. I prayed to God Thursday morning and told him that I cannot do this by myself and that I needed guidance and help. I prayed that a door would open and that if it was His plan that he would guide me through it. I think part of knowing that God will answer your prayers is also knowing that you can't. I had this realization that in all things I must be truly dependent on God. This does not make me weak or incapable. If I am nothing to someone else I can always know that I am something to God. He loves me. I pray that these events will continue to play out without my hands being involved. I love to see God working in my weakness. Remember that peace I talked about earlier? That is where I find it.

3rd order of business: Warrior Dash

Went to Fourney TX yesterday with Joey to the Warrior Dash! It was awesome! I was only a spectator but next year I will definately be a participant! Joey did so great. He ran a 3.2 mile obstacle course in about 27 minutes! In the end he came out REAL dirty and tired but nothing that a little car wash wouldn't take care of! :-) We got to see some friends there and enjoyed a little time away. There were so many people there but everything was very well organized for a crowd so large. I will definately have to say that it's better to run it early because with about the 4th wave of people coming through, I saw a guy puke in the mud pit. yuck! too bad for all the people crawling through that stuff after him! Here are a few pictures to show you.

A Day of realizations

Annabelle's doctor called today and said that the throat culture he took came back positive for Strep. So.. that is a good idea as to why her lymph nodes are swollen. It still does not explain why her CBC count came back normal with an infection in her body or why the LDH levels were so high. I have tried doing some research online to see if there is a correlation between strep and high LDH levels but could not find anything definative on this. She has had zero symptoms of having strep. She will have to take antibiotics for 10 days and then she will have to go back and have more blood work done. Hopefully with the next round of blood work, all will be back to normal.

I have decided for sure that I am going back to school to get my associates degree in Occupational Therapy. I went to Panola today and found out what classes I could take during this summer to get started. Good news is that most of the core curriculum is out of the way and transferrable from ETBU. I however will have to take Anatomy and Physiology I and II. Lovely. I will be taking that starting in June through Kilgore college. Another good side is that I will get to wear scrubs!!! whoo hooo!! How great would it be to have a job where you are able to use creative thinking and problem solving to help people live a more full and independent life! I am almost 30 years old and need to find that place where I see myself doing something until I retire.

Hopefully all will work out and go smoothly getting into classes and going through the process. I hope it does. Please pray for me and for Joey as we continue our educations.

Ton of Bricks

Well let me fill you in on the past couple of days. I will first start with Annabelle. A little over a month ago I noticed a decent sized lump in her neck on the left side a little below her ear. I didn't think much of it because I figured it was just a swollen lymph node. She has not been sick in a long time, no fevers, sniffles, nothing. We knew we would be taking her for immunizations on the 16th of this month, so I just told Joey to have the nurse look at it and see what she thought. She did and she said it appeared as just a swollen node but if it had not gone away in about a week to call them back. Well I kept an eye on it and then noticed that Annabelle was getting 2 more on the right side in about the same place as the other. They weren't too large but if she leans her neck to one side you can see them protruding from under the skin. So, I called the doctor back yesterday and they wanted us to come in at 1:20 pm. Got there and he examined her from top to bottom. He said the nodes were actually small and that her spleen and abdomin were fine (later found out these are ways to tell if lymphoma is present). He said he wanted us to get some lab work done anyway to be safe so he ordered a complete blood count as well as a LDH test (later found out this too is a way prelimarily test for lymphoma). He said we should have the test results back today. I got a call about 11:45 and it was the doctor himself. He said that all of Annabelle's CBC counts looked normal but that the LDH test came back with elevated levels. He said he called a hemotologist at Dallas Children's hospital to see if there was anything else he should do and the specialist told him that with Annabelle's age and otherwise good health, he didn't feel anything was wrong but for us to have another LDH test done in 7-10 days. He said that the LDH levels could have been elevated due to her immunizations 10 days ago. So.... we have another lab appt. next week. We shall see how that goes. I have been reading about this online and it seems that LDH levels can show elevations for multiple reasons so I'm not too worried about it. Just don't know what the next step would be if they came back elevated again. We will cross that bridge if we get there.

No news with the job search and money is getting scarce. Joey and I have decided that we will go back to school so maybe we can use a little of the loan money to survive. I was looking online last night at different courses and it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks that perhaps going back to school to major in a specific field would take away some of this aimless wandering I have been doing for all these years. So, I looked into Occupational Therapy. It sounded so interesting and it seems like something that would be very rewarding. I am going to speak with Panola tomorrow to see about getting into some classes for the summer to get started. I try not to think about it too much because I start to wonder what in the world is wrong with my brain!! Truth is, a bachelors degree in Human Relations won't get you very far. Joey wants to take classes online to get his master's degree! I'm so proud of him. He loves school and I love to see him feel like he is accomplishing something. Well I'm going to go now. I will update more later. Tootles!

TA DA!

The house is so quiet and lonely with no one here. I'm bored. I have exhausted the job search for now. About 15 resumes sent out and not 1 call back! Final paycheck coming soon and nothing coming after that.... gonna have to make some changes I suppose. Dad is finally going home today from the hospital. All is well and the infection should be treatable with some medication. Went to mom's this past weekend and we sang together at church. My stomach was all in knots the entire morning and then I got up there on stage and it all went away! God heard my silent prayers I guess. It was really great getting to sing with her. It is so great to see that she and my step dad are involved in church now. I prayed a long time for that to happen. I think one of the happiest days of my life was the day I saw them baptised together. I will never forget that. I went up to Oakwood today and visited for a while. It was a good visit although it did make me realize why I left. Things are no less crazy than when I was there and never will be probably. These past few weeks have made me realize even more, that my strength is not sufficient and my plans will fail if God is not leading me. I prayed a lot about leaving my job and I felt this peace about it although I had no idea how things would play out. I still feel a peace about it and I have to be honest in saying that because of this peace, I also feel a certain amount of guilt. All things said, I should feel anxiety about this. I should feel worried about tomorrow and the situation this puts us in, but I'm not. I just believe that God is with me right now. He knows my heart better than anyone and he knows the way I must go. I'm just going to listen and wait. Where God are you leading me? Take me there.

Swimming in Sand

Day 4 of unemployment and what shall I do today? I think I will just sit here and roll around in self pity and type in my blog. How bout that! Kidding.... about the whole self pity part and rolling around in it. I however will type in my blog. I spent yesterday out and about prowling around for places I haven't already applied and seeing if anyone was hiring. I found 1 place! 1 place is better than no places though so I happily filled out my application and gave them my resume. Perhaps I will hear something before tomorrow... maybe. I dream of a job where wearing tennis shoes and scrubs are open armedly (is that a word?) welcomed on a daily basis! I have bunyons on my little toes from having to wear heals everyday and now when I wear flip flops I have Shrek feet! Gah!! The plan was to head to Marshall today and visit a few places there, leave resumes, fill out applications and maybe sneak in a little visit to my precious loves at Oakwood House. I miss them already. Leaving was the right decision but having to leave them was the hardest part. I am at a point in my life where I feel just like I did going into college. I have no idea what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, or where I'm going to end up. I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. What a tragedy. Okay, seriously, since I was a young girl and learned that I can sing I have wanted to have a band. A christian band. I want to sing at youth conferences and make an album with my own songs! If there is anything I have ever felt good at, it was singing and softball. So, maybe with a little God intervention these things could happen but if not, then I'm just fine being a mommy and a wife. These things make me the happiest. Joey is going to be in this ridiculous race called the Tough Mudder in Forney. I have to go with him because he just may die and I would like to be there if he does. It is 3.5 miles of crazy running with 14 different obstacles like jumping over fire pits and swimming under water. Bless his heart. I guess the grey hairs and balding patterns are getting to him and he feels the need to prove his body wrong! Go baby go!! He will do great. He makes me sick running all the time and working out like we are supposed to be healthy or something! good grief! I guess I need to take up some of his ideas for myself. Well I better get off my rear and get to job hunting. Just keep swimming!

Evidence of Grace

Woke up at 4:45 am and got ready for the drive to Louisiana. Left home about 5:50 am and started out for Bossier. Got there about 7:00 am and walked into the hospital not knowing where anyone would be or who would be there. Dad was scheduled to be there at 5:15 am this morning to get prepped and ready for surgery. I hoped he would still be in waiting when I got there so I could tell him goodbye before he went back. I went to the front desk and asked for his name and they pointed me to the day surgery waiting area. A nurse at the desk there escorted me to the back to dad's room. I knocked and poked my head in the door and saw dad's toothless grin immediately. He had his IV already and was in his ever so lovely blue hospital gown. The room was full of family, at least 7 of us piled into this one little room with a big sign on the door that says, "limit 2 visitors at a time in waiting rooms." So much for rule following I guess. My brother and his girlfriend, uncles, me, dad in his hospital bed, nurses, doctor... all of us in this tiny room! I wasn't there for more than 15 mintues before the surgeon came in to explain the surgery to us all and inform us and dad what to expect afterwards. The plan was to make a pretty large incision on dad's right side to allow access to his lung. Remove the cancer growth and examine it under a microscope in the operating room to determine if the entire upper lobe of his lung would need to be removed. If the lobe needed to be removed they would do so to protect against any further spreading or cancerous growth elsewhere. Dad would be in a lot of pain and have a chest tube. He would be in ICU for the night and hopefully be in a room by tomorrow. They would then be able to examine the growth in the lab and determine what steps to take next to fight it. Dad was wheeled back to the operating room about 7:45 am. Uncle Dennis prayed with us and we waited. About 10:30 am the surgeon came out and said, "Well everything went well and your dad is doing fine. After going in and examining the spot on the lung I realized the spot was not cancerous at all. It was actually just an infection. I removed the area of infection from his lung, but did not have to remove any portion of the lung. He will be just fine."

I sat there for a few seconds with my jaw on the floor and asked her again, "So that means there is NO cancer at all?" Her response to me was, "no, the infection was spreading in his lung so it appeared on all of the Xrays and tests to be a malignant tumor of some sort but it was no tumor it was just an infected area."
I was completely shocked and happy and prayerful and elated!
We have gone a month now being told by doctors that they were 95% sure the spot was malignant cancer cells and now here we are at 100% cancer free! God's grace was surely evident today as it is everyday we are given another breath! Thank you Lord for your mercy and your grace!

Here we go!

Friday was my last day at my job and here I sit uncertain and unemployed. I certainly have no one to blame for this but myself. I am the one who quit afterall. But although I find myself in this pickle, I still feel a certain... calm. I constantly look for jobs, send resumes, and pray that God will lead me, but surprisingly I don't feel stress. For those of you who know me at all, you will know that is very odd for me. I stress about the smallest things. I want everything in order and I want everything to be planned out way in advance. I don't like disorganization or change to my routine and when that happens I feel my blood pressure begin to rise and my brain start to run in 5th gear. I am sitting here at our computer desk and before I began typing, I thought "God where are you taking me?" Joey has some of his Sunday school material on the desk here with a map right on top and the first thing I saw when I looked down was the map legend reading, "uncertain location" HA! God, you are so funny! The truth is even my most well laid plans and destinations for me are never as well laid as God's uncertain locations. Where will I go from here, what will I do? For now, I don't know but God knows. My thoughts are not His and my timing is not His. I guess the best plan is to open my ears and listen but close my eyes and hang on.

Uncertain

Today was an okay day. Spent much of it sitting in the ER with one of my residents. Sweet little precious lady was just not doing well. Annabelle had a game tonight and they won! Go Bumblebees!! I love to watch them play. It makes my heart smile. I have had so much going on lately and so much on my heart. Dad has major surgery on Monday to remove the cancer from his lung. Then we wait again to see how to treat it and what stage it's in. I guess it's about time to spill the beans about something else... as of Friday I will be jobless. It was by my choosing not because I'm getting fired or anything. I have kept this in for a month now because in so many ways I feel like a failure. I can't seem to find a job that just "fits" me. I know there will be ups and downs and always things that you don't like. I just couldn't take anymore of the changes being implemented within this company. I have 2 babies at home and a husband I kinda like and I just can't work 50-60 hours per week. I can't work on the weekends or all holidays nor can I spend an hour and a half on conference calls every week until 9:00 pm. I have other priorities and people that I MUST devote my time to. I just stepped out in faith after much prayer and decided that I would continue looking for another job and I know God will provide for me. I turned in my 30 day notice and hoped that in those 30 days I would have at least another prospect for a job but nothing yet. I do feel like such a failure. I feel that I am giving up and giving in. I feel the pride puffing up inside me and telling me that I am too strong of a person to just give up. Truth is... I am so weak. I know that God will provide for me and for my family. He always has. BUT, his provisions just may not line up with my timing. I don't want to fail my family. I absolutely must work in order for our bills to get paid. I question my decision everyday but still feel a certain peace about it. I haven't told anyone because I simply did not want others to see my surrender and my weaknesses. Please pray for me as I continue on this journey. I need a renewed hope.

I realize

I decided to begin a blog if not for anyone else but me. Let me tell you why. A very precious friend of mine went to be with Jesus this past week and at her funeral, portions of her blog were read. It made me realize that if anything were to ever happen to me, I would want others to know my heart too. I would want those that I love and care about to see a glimpse into my soul. Her passing has effected me more than I ever imagined. I truly loved her and admired her. She experienced pain in her life that I have never had to and pray never will. Through it all she praised God and welcomed the pain because it made her realize the sovereignty of God. Her situation reminded me much of Job and how everything he loved was taken away. He never cursed God. I think of myself and how much work I need to do on ME! Though I do not curse God, my complaints are just as well a curse! I complain because I "don't have enough" or "because what I have isn't sufficient" when the truth is, God has provided what I NEED! Everyday I have what I need. I don't need anymore than what I am given. It's time I turn my complaints into praise! God rains down manna from Heaven daily for me and I so often over look His provisions. What a mighty God I serve!